David Soldier‘s American Most Unwanted Song is a horribly good piece of work that brings together everything that Americans hate musically, and combines them into one long song, frequently to hysterical effect.

By using market research with hundreds of people, Soldier determined that:

The most unwanted music is over 25 minutes long, veers wildly between loud and quiet sections, between fast and slow tempos, and features timbres of extremely high and low pitch, with each dichotomy presented in abrupt transition.

The most unwanted orchestra was determined to be large, and features the accordion and bagpipe (which tie at 13% as the most unwanted instrument), banjo, flute, tuba, harp, organ, synthesizer (the only instrument that appears in both the most wanted and most unwanted ensembles).

An operatic soprano raps and sings atonal music, advertising jingles, political slogans, and “elevator” music, and a children’s choir sings jingles and holiday songs.

The most unwanted subjects for lyrics are cowboys and holidays, and the most unwanted listening circumstances are involuntary exposure to commercials and elevator music.

Therefore, it can be shown that if there is no covariance—someone who dislikes bagpipes is as likely to hate elevator music as someone who despises the organ, for example—fewer than 200 individuals of the world’s total population would enjoy this piece.

Sprechstimme & kids rapping about Wal-Mart? What’s not to like?

Are you one of the 200?

Give it a listen, below, and let me know what you think!

via Dial “M” for Musicology; Image: miketheactuary